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And I Thought I Was Coping

There have been several moments in my life where I have wondered if I have the strength necessary to cope with my situation, let alone my emotions. I cling to joy as much as I can because grief is almost too overpowering for my soul. I just want to put on my rose-colored glasses and keep moving because I want no part of emotional pain.

I knew there were hills and valleys on this journey, but I did not have a genuine concept of how deep the pits within those valleys could be. I even knew that my first experience with clinical depression was due to my own mistakes and not wanting to deal with my emotions for the past several years.

Before that time, I thought I could skate through my emotional pain by self-medicating to promote denial and an intense version of numbness. I thought if I actually experienced the pain, I would not survive. I was so worried about being strong that I did not realize the most important thing. If I actually step through my pain as a believer, then I am given the strength of God to walk beside me. His love heals even the most broken spirit.

In 2016, I finally broke down and did it the right way. Though I did not realize it at the time. My heart was shattered into a million pieces because of a miscarriage after 6 years of infertility. I thought there was no way forward, but I knew I could not avoid this pain or live the rest of my life in that valley. I decided to take God at his word by reading and praying. There were days I remember laughing at the Bible and telling him that he was a liar. I kept reading and praying anyway.

I was so angry because I thought I knew more than I actually did. I couldn’t understand why God led me to go through IVF to get pregnant with twins, only to lose one at 9 weeks and the other at 10 weeks. I ended up having my miscarriage before the first light of Easter morning. And I felt the significance of that particular holiday, but I was still so bitter about my own broken story. My dreams had been torn away from me, and somehow I had to pick up the pieces.

There were so many prayers for peace and healing. I asked the Lord why he led us to this heartbreak when I could have just not gotten pregnant and wasted all of that money. I wanted answers, but it wasn’t the right time. He was still working through all of those tragic moments. He had a plan so much bigger than my thoughts could have handled, and the work took place in my brokenness. He was pruning me to be ready for my next journey, and I could only see it on the other side.

As humans, we want to skip all the complicated and messy moments and get to the good times. We are continuously looking for the easy way. However, God wants to build our character in the dark times, so we are better prepared to handle our dreams and pursuits. That is what he did for me when I thought I was just coping. God was rebuilding my heart and pruning my soul. He will do the same for you

Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.

John 15:2 ESV